027: Tiffany & Stephanie
In this episode, we’re joined by Stephanie Thoma, best-selling author of the transformational networking book, Confident Introvert, to discuss strategies to discovering your authentic self and stepping into your leadership.
We discussed
How do we merge our professional and personal selves with grace
Creating boundaries to shift from work to life
What is authenticity
Using authenticity to create connection
Strategies to tap into your authentic self
How Stephanie got into meditation and hypnotherapy
Why some of us might be more hyper logical
Discovering your Big Light Secret
Staying connected as an introvert: the solitude sandwich
How being a leader ties in with authenticity
Stepping into your leadership with Own It
Show notes
Confident Introvert: https://amzn.to/3quXl1m
Own It Club: https://www.facebook.com/groups/ownitclub
Coaching: https://www.stephaniethoma.com/coaching
Confidence meditation freebie: https://www.stephaniethoma.com/freebie
About Stephanie Thoma
Stephanie Thoma is a Forbes-featured leadership & life coach, certified hypnotherapist, and best-selling author of the transformational networking book, Confident Introvert. She has facilitated over 1,000 events and established a fulfilling career helping people generate meaningful connections with themselves and others that catapult them forward in their career and life. To date, Stephanie has helped thousands of people celebrate their strengths, step into their authentic confidence, and make meaningful connections through speaking at places like Harvard University and 1:1 coaching.
Follow Stephanie Thoma
Transcript
Tiffany Yu: Hi everyone. This is your host, Tiffany Yu, and you're listening to the Tiffany & Yu podcast. Tiffany & Yu is a podcast about things that matter. More specifically, I'm chatting with friends who are using their voices and platforms to cultivate creativity, change and compassion. Today I have with me, Stephanie Thoma. She's a life coach and author of the Amazon bestselling book, The Confident Introvert. Hi Stephanie.
Stephanie Thoma: Hi, Tiffany. Thanks for having me.
Tiffany Yu: We met because we were both living in San Francisco at the time, and I'm really not sure. We think it's through Dreamers & Doers. We think it's through our mutual friend, Caroline. Do you know?
Stephanie Thoma: So I think it's a combination. In San Francisco, back when events were in full swing, it is hard to remember. I know that our friendship became more solidified through Dreamers & Doers, but I do think Caroline probably invited you to one of my potlucks, maybe a little bit earlier than that.
Tiffany Yu: And where are you joining me now?
Stephanie Thoma: I am currently in Brooklyn, New York.
Tiffany Yu: So we're navigating multiple times zones. I did do this thing that was different for first season two. I asked people why they're interested in coming onto the podcast. So Stephanie wrote, as people are coping with the anxiety of prolonged uncertainty and redefining themselves personally and professionally, it's such a good time to discuss the merging of the professional and personal self and how to do so with grace. I'd love if we could just start our conversation there. Why is that topic interesting to you?
Stephanie Thoma: So essentially I think this is in the back of everyone's mind, or maybe at the forefront, this new reality that is forming that, certainly we could come back to some elements of the past. But I do think there is a fundamental shift, not just in the way that things are externally, but the way that we process ourselves and our relationships internally and how our careers, if we did have that stark divide, this is how I show up at work. This is how I show up with my friends. It's all the same now. That gap that I never really believed existed is now even a finer line.
Tiffany Yu: I want to ask you about boundaries. There was a saying, it was like, our work and our home lives have now just integrated. And it hasn't been as seamless. Can you talk more about that and if you have any strategies or what you're seeing in terms of if people are able to create boundaries and what this dissonance is causing in people.
Stephanie Thoma: Work life integration. So this was a buzzword that was popular even before this shift that we're experiencing right now instead of work-life balance. And it's never been more relevant than right now. Because let's say that you have one dedicated space where you take your video calls and now those video calls are for work and they're also for fun. So having that distinction and setting those boundaries within yourself can be the most important and knowing, Okay, let's say if I would have typically left the office at 6:00 PM, then that's when I close my email and I keep a promise to myself that, okay, I'm not going to be checking email throughout the night and it's more of a mental shift. And if we can help facilitate those mental shifts with external indicators, those can be really helpful. So what that looks like is maybe you sit in a different chair or maybe if you have a standing desk, you sit or just find something that signals to your brain in a physical way that, Oh, things are different now. Maybe you make a certain beverage when the workday is done and that signals a resolution or a sort of pause for work for a given amount of time.
Tiffany Yu: It's almost like attributing that shift to something that's already in your habits. So something that I was doing, which I actually haven't been that great about was making sure that I changed out of my pajamas every day and that I didn't bring my laptop into my bedroom. And I've heard from a lot of friends that they use their morning cup of coffee in the morning to have a little bit of that shift. We talk a lot about authenticity. It's kind of become a buzz word, oftentimes associated with the word vulnerability, but what does being authentic mean to you?
Stephanie Thoma: So authenticity is rooted in a deep knowing and understanding of yourself and a sense of conviction in that while having some sort of perceptivity to other interpretations. But I define authenticity as first and foremost, residing within knowing, understanding your truth, and then being in a position to share that, to then have an opportunity to more deeply relate to and understand and connect with others.
Tiffany Yu: Talking about a work and home persona. If we are out here advocating for authenticity, why is there a difference between who your work persona is versus who your home persona is or your life persona?
Stephanie Thoma: Right. So that's not the case for everyone. So for example, one of my clients currently is having this sort of push and pull between, so I have social media for work people, social media for my friends. And I think that it takes so much pressure off of you to decide, you know what, it's okay if there's a picture that's public that shows me going on a walk these days. It's part of what humanizes us. And for example, you can look at certain people's social media and if you're able to see that, Oh, look, they have a dog. There are certain boundaries that you can be mindful of, but also it enables us to have a greater level of depth of connection with other people when we're not seeing a two dimensional side of them, where there are so many walls and barriers around what can be shared. And that's another journey in itself to decipher, what should I keep private versus what should I share more publicly?
Tiffany Yu: Back on this topic of authenticity, so I've been active on Clubhouse. Part of the beauty of Clubhouse is it is your voice. That is who was showing up. I got asked a question yesterday around how can you really tap more into who that authentic self is? So I'd love to better understand what are some strategies that you've used to really tap into that authenticity.
Stephanie Thoma: So oftentimes we have more answers than we realize. Because I am immersed in the self-help world. I am a participant, I'm a leader in it. And sometimes we can look externally for, Oh gosh. If someone could just tell me who I am. If someone could just show me the way when really what could be the most empowering and most true and helpful is using different modalities that help you tap into what your truth is. So I've been meditating nearly every day for about nine years now. And to some people they think, Oh, that's a lot. How do you do that? It's like, don't worry. It's not like I meditate for four hours a day. Even if it's 10 minutes a day. I have such a greater sense of clarity of my thoughts, my emotions. I feel more at ease and just connected with life when I have that practice in place. So meditation is certainly one way to sort of clear the mental fog that can accumulate, especially in times like this. And another way that I like to get connected. So I'm a certified hypnotherapist and a firm believer in the fact that our subconscious carries a lot of information that can manifest and show itself, present itself in some ways that don't make logical sense. So engaging in hypnotherapy and being open to getting to the root cause of certain behavioral patterns or certain ruminating thoughts and really taking ownership of this experience that is your life and doing that deeper work.
Tiffany Yu: What do you say to the people who are like meditation doesn't work for me, like what's hypnotherapy? How do you manage those conversations?
Stephanie Thoma: It's one of those situations where skepticism is healthy. If you blindly accept anything and everything, then that can lead to more problems. I will say having a level of openness, not necessarily a level of openness that saying yes, yes, yes to everything without any experience or proof. But for example, when it came to meditation, there wasn't a whole lot for me to lose, in my opinion, when I first started meditating. Maybe some discomfort in the very beginning of thinking, I'm not doing this right. I don't know if I can, but it's a practice. You just continue doing it. And when you want the results, the result of a sense of calm clarity, then it becomes worth it to do something that you think is a little wonky, a little out there because you want that result. And maybe the how becomes a little bit less relevant as long as it works. And then when it comes to hypnotherapy, I certainly didn't think it was something that I would be involved in. However, I ended up attending a conference several years ago now where I ended up meeting a hypnotherapist. I didn't know she was a hypnotherapist at the time, but we developed rapport, had a nice conversation over lunch at this conference. And then she got up on stage after and she ended up letting everyone know, Hey, I'm one of the five breakout leaders. My session will be a group hypnosis session. And I was going to go more tactical business route, but I decided to do curiosity. Be led by curiosity instead of judgment. So I said, Sure. Let's try this out. I went into her session and I felt such a deep sense of relaxation, just like full body relaxation that sometimes we don't realize how much tension we're carrying in our bodies until we feel otherwise. And I knew that there was something to it through that deeply relaxed, deeply connected experience that I had. So then I began to study it and I became certified through hundreds of hours of training. It's one of those situations, again, when you have patterns in your life and your relationships and your thoughts and your feelings, and you feel like you don't have control over them, or you feel like you don't have knowledge as to why, and it's making you feel not so great, then being focused on that outcome and less focused on judging the routes to get there.
Tiffany Yu: You touched on a lot of things, especially around how cerebral, how much I think we kind of get caught in our thoughts when in reality, a lot of the answers are embedded within our body or stored in our body. So I'm a very cerebral person. I will acknowledge that. I still pride myself a lot on my mind and my intellect, but I am trying to, and you outline these really get in and hone in on your body because really there are a lot of answers there. But the other thing that you said that I really love that I've been talking a lot about is how all of us are making judgements all the time. And for me, it's really about how can we use our judgements as an opportunity to get curious, as an opportunity to understand or extend compassion, rather than just say, I don't agree with that. And instead say, Ooh, I'm curious what your journey into getting certified as a hypnotherapist was, and really going down that route. So we're going to take a quick break here, but when we come back, we will continue chatting with Stephanie Thoma.
And we're back from the break. This is your host, Tiffany Yu, and you're listening to the second half of this episode of the Tiffany & Yu podcast. I have with me, life coach certified, hypnotherapist, author of the Amazon bestseller, Confident Introvert, Stephanie Thoma. So before the break, we were chatting about authenticity, the work and personal lives meshing together and figuring out how to manage that transition with grace. And then we started talking about some of the strategies that Stephanie is using to really hone into her own authentic self, which really came down to mindfulness and hypnotherapy. Many of us are hyper rational, hyper logical. So Stephanie, you had mentioned that you're also a high functioning logical person.
Stephanie Thoma: When it comes to logic and particularly a hyper logical way of showing up in the world, there are a variety of reasons why that can be the case. But oftentimes it's a way of thinking that we can adopt sometimes at a very young age to adapt to environments that are less predictable. So as long as we are thinking through things logically and rationally, it helps us make sense of our otherwise perhaps slightly unstable surroundings. So that's something that I think is really great to be aware of, particularly in the self-help space or in the personal development space where we're seeking more clarity, more answers, and we want to grow, but we feel like there are some blocks. That can be a root of where that block comes in that can serve us at times, but just not all the time.
Tiffany Yu: I love how you talked about how our rational self really comes out in the stories that we tell ourselves to make sense of them. How do you make that transition from realizing that that story may have been a first draft of a different type of story? Do you have any strategies or any thoughts on how to catch yourself when you might be telling yourself a story, just to make sense of things, but actually isn't what is real?
Stephanie Thoma: Absolutely. So that that's a hot topic. What is real?
Tiffany Yu: And also I do want to acknowledge that for, so I was diagnosed with PTSD a year and a half ago now. And, when I was caught in my trigger moments, I would be living in a reality that I thought was real, but it was not real, it was attributed to a past event. And so don't want to diminish the fact that that definitely does exist for some people, but I guess it's how do you trust in the universe or some higher power that where you are right now, if you are in a hard place or you are in a place of trauma, that that's not where your story ends.
Stephanie Thoma: Yes. I love that last piece that you brought up. It's not where the story ends. So as we are taking the time and space to reclaim our stories and reclaim the way that we show up, it's important to sometimes question things that we believe as fact. So an example of this in my book, Confident Introvert, is this concept of your Big Light Secret. So the example that I go into in the book is this long held belief that I'm a terrible dancer. So I grew up thinking, Oh, you know, I was in ballet when I was a toddler, didn't do too well in ballet. And when given the opportunity, didn't really dance a whole lot. And I had this belief that, Oh, this is, this is the fact I'm a singer. I am great at singing. And typically you can't really be great at both from my opinions of pop stars sometimes. So that was an internalized belief and it wasn't until I had the opportunity, a really unique opportunity at a personal development conference to dance on stage in front of people that I realized, Oh, wait a second. Maybe I'm not a great choreographed dancer, but when there's no choreography and I'm just able to do free movement dance, it's called ecstatic dancing. I like to refer to it as a meditation movement, then it's a different story. I have some rhythm and it was kind of in a really interesting experience where I was totally in the moment. I wasn't looking at the audience. I was dancing. And then afterwards, It really shocked me that people were asking, are you trained dancer? Are you trained in burlesque? Or are you trained in this and that? And I mean, I took it as a compliment and I was like, Nope, I'm not, but, okay. Thanks. Hmm. And what it came down to this, your Big Light Secret is the inverse of a deep, dark secret. Something that we hold inside because there's shame. But really, if you flip it over or look at it through a slightly different perspective or redefine that thing, perhaps it is actually a strength and something that you can be proud of and share with others.
Tiffany Yu: Let's talk a little bit more about Confident Introvert. So it came out last year during the pandemic.
Stephanie Thoma: Yes. Oh my goodness. Okay. So here it is in paperback, just in case people are like, what does it look like? That's what the cover looks like. So it's Confident Introvert, a practical guide to connecting with others at networking events and beyond. So I ended up launching the book June 15th of 2020.
Tiffany Yu: As a fellow introvert, I would love to hear more about the inspiration behind the book. And especially since many of us are still in a period of social isolation. I'd love if you can share any strategies for those of us who might be more introverted to find ways to stay connected.
Stephanie Thoma: With the solitude sandwich. Basically this concept of the book, it's envision a glob of peanut butter, that's your activity. And then on either end your pieces of bread that comprise the sandwich are your solitude. And how this concept came about was after an in-person workshop, one of the attendees asked me, I had just finished networking for introverts presenting that. And he asked, so I'm just curious. Why are you presenting a workshop on introversion when you were so obviously an extrovert? And I paused. And I decided to answer with a question. I asked him, so what do you think I was doing before this event? And he said, well, maybe you were having dinner with friends ? And I said, well, actually I was reading in the lobby for about an hour. And then I asked, what do you think I'll be doing after this? And he said, well, you'll probably be going to an after party and going to dinner and this and that, like dinner again. Okay. And then I said, well, actually, I'm going to go home and meditate and read. So essentially that illustrates what becomes possible when we conserve our energy with a sandwich effect of solitude, with an activity that can sometimes take a lot of energy. It doesn't mean that we don't have energy available to us. It just means that we need to be more strategic and mindful of how we exert that energy to be able to show up fully when we really want to.
Tiffany Yu: I can almost take that concept of solitude sandwich with how we started this conversation of having that mindful shift between, here is my home life versus now I'm transitioning into work, but I a hundred percent agree with you. I'm a fellow introvert too. I love this idea of the solitude sandwich. I'm now starting to think back around. Okay. Before recording this podcast, what was the activity that I did before? What's the activity that I'm going to take after? I love the title of this book, Confident Introvert. And I think that it was so strategic in naming it that way, because I feel like people think that introverts can't be confident. And I would love to shift this conversation over to thinking about leadership. What does being a leader look like? And what do you think are some of the limiting thoughts that stand in the way of someone stepping into their full potential as a leader?
Stephanie Thoma: Absolutely. So leadership, this ties in with the book title as well. So I have been confused for an extrovert in my event life. People necessarily assuming that that's where I get my energy, because that's where I was spending a lot of my time. There is this perception that a leader is someone who is necessarily getting all of their energy from other people and being that person that needs to be the center of attention, or, I mean, of course how we talk about leadership is evolving right now. There's this concept of servant leadership that's emerging and leadership versus being a boss. What's the difference? And when I think about being a leader, I think about, again, it does tie in with that self-knowing and self inquiry piece and identify what you stand for and taking a stand for that in a way that empowers not just you, but other people. And this is not always something that will be given to you on a silver platter. It's not like someone will say, Hey, you know what? I think you should lead this. Sometimes it happens, but I wouldn't count on it. So this being a leader is a decision and it's not something that you necessarily fight for. It's not something that you prove to others. It's something that you embody because you've done that deeper work and you know, Oh yeah, this is what I'm standing for in this life.
Tiffany Yu: I think we have this misconception that being a leader means we need to be the center of attention, but sometimes being a leader is listening. And taking a step back. That's one of the lessons that I'm really learning in my own leadership is when it's time to pass the mic or hand over the microphone to someone else. You mentioned before we started recording that you are making a pivot. And so I wanted to hear more about how that process has been been and what is inspiring the pivot?
Stephanie Thoma: I view Confident Introvert and that whole concept and all the work associated with it as an extension and completely related to what I'm stepping into next. Confident Introvert is more focused on doing that work and understanding who am I and where does my self-worth come from and how can I connect with others on this sort of a general broad level? And the next chapter that I'm excited to invite your audience into, you into, is called Own It. So it's taking a lot of the concepts from Confident Introvert and elevating them. So let's say you've done that internal work, or at least you've begun that process because it is a process that doesn't have a definitive end date. And let's say, you understand, okay, I'm worthy, I'm connecting with other people and I'm rising into leadership because of it. Then you have an opportunity to fully own that platform that's beginning to emerge and in doing so, it makes space for other people to share their ideas and share their voices. So, this next chapter, I will be launching a podcast a little bit later called Own It. Also there will be a Facebook group and the wait list is actually open right now. It's facebook.com/groups/ownitclub. In addition to that, there's my one-on-one coaching practice. I'll still be working with people on those networking and self-love, self-worth, leadership pieces, but also taking in an element of thought leadership and, okay, so you have these foundational pieces, what would you like to really stand for and fully step into?
Tiffany Yu: I love this evolution of the brand. I actually think it ties into this entire conversation around thinking about authenticity, doing that inner work to really find what that true North star is. And one of the things you got me thinking about was I remember what it feels like when I wasn't my authentic self. And if you've been listening to this podcast, or this is your first time, I got into this car accident as a kid, and I didn't tell anyone about it for 12 years. And I still remember what it feels like to live in that place of not telling anyone this defining experience that had happened in my life and how liberating it felt to finally be myself. Now it's been over 20 years since the accident, but it's been 12 years since I first publicly shared about the car accident and I've just been thinking and watching my own journey of what it's looked like for me to step into myself and own that and own all parts of who I am. So I'm really excited for this transition for you. I always close these conversations with the same question, which is what are you grateful for?
Stephanie Thoma: Ooh, I love this question. This is something that we should be asking ourselves every day. So let's see. What am I grateful for? I am grateful for the opportunity to engage in work that feels truly meaningful and impactful and just being able to go about each day knowing that I'm doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing and contributing exactly what I meant to be contributing. I'm really grateful for that.
Tiffany Yu: That's powerful. So all of that said, Stephanie, I know you mentioned you're launching the podcast, the Facebook group. If people want to connect with you and, or connect with your work, where is the best place to do that?
Stephanie Thoma: So I'm on social media. You can find me, just look up Stephanie Thoma on Clubhouse, Facebook, Instagram. And, also if you're interested in coaching, leadership, life coaching, fully understanding what you want to own, and then going ahead and owning it, then go to stephaniethoma.com/coaching. And I also have a freebie that will opt you into my mailing list so you'll always be up to date on cool events and articles and things like that. You can go to stephaniethoma.com/freebie to get your free subconscious meditation that's focused on activating your confidence.
Tiffany Yu: I feel like I'm going to sign up for that right now. Well, Stephanie, thank you so much for coming on the podcast.
Stephanie Thoma: Thank you, Tiffany.